The Pain of Caring
by Mystic Storys
Summary: After what happened at the River Stix Veronica feels overwhelmed and feeling hit there breaking point when Logan insists they talk. (LoVe One-shot from 2x08 events)


Despite her better judgment Veronica relented and agreed to dinner with Duncan in his suite, which he now shared with Logan. When her boyfriend had called to invite her over he was heading home from the gym and promised that Logan wouldn't be there.

Veronica couldn't be near Logan right now, not after what happened earlier today at the River Stix. She was certain that if she saw him she wouldn't be able to even pretend to hold it together.

When she entered the Neptune Grand suite Duncan was nowhere to be seen. Veronica was about to call out for him when she was suddenly pulled into the other room, Logan's room.

When she realized who has pulled her in a mixture of anger and fear consumed her. As Logan locked the door, Veronica asked, guardedly, "What are you doing here."

"Duncan's in the shower," stated the boy, ignoring her question.

'And you're not supposed to be here,' Veronica thought as she said, "and you pulled me in here because..."

"I need to talk to you," he said.

The words felt chilling and this conversation was something Veronica was certain she wasn't ready for. "No... I..." she couldn't think of a reason, so she told him, "not now."

"Yes now," Logan interjected, reminding himself, 'Otherwise I'll just lose my nerve.'

"Duncan said you wouldn't be here," she tried.

"Change of plans," the boy answered before adding seriously, "we need to talk."

"Fine talk," she exclaimed.

In truth, Logan was expecting her to put up a much harder fight, thus with the petite blonde's abrupt surrender it took him a moment to find what to say. This resulted in him asking the question he would instantly regret, "are you okay?"

'Way to go Echolls,' thought Logan, 'could I have started with anything stupider.'

"Seriously," Veronica sounded furious.

"Stop helping me," he blurted out. At this point, there was nothing else he could think of saying.

"What?" This time she was the one to feel utterly blindsided, but in the back of her head there was a little voice reminding her, 'like it's so easy.'

"I never would have asked for your help if I knew it would put you in danger," he admitted, "so just stop."

Logan figured he could give her away, especially considering he's the one that pulled her back in so far, he thought she deserved a clean break. But for Veronica, his statement just made it all so much worse. "So now you can notice when something is dangerous?"

"It took being held at gunpoint to make you think," the petite, blonde's voice grew sharper with every word, "'huh maybe this has gone too far, maybe if I keep this up I'll be killed or worse.' After months of cops and thugs and fights and God knows what else, you think things are dangerous," Veronica exhaled and waited.

They stood there in silence for a while, Veronica hoping 'he'll finally do something, say something, that feels like he understands how it's been watching his downward spiral.'

But that would have been too simple for them, instead, Logan said words that made the world freeze for Veronica. "Sometimes I think everything would have been better if I had just jumped off that bridge when I had the chance."

There was no moment, just an instant shove from Veronica causing Logan to stumble onto the bed as she yelled, "Could you be any more selfish?"

It was Logan's turn to be stunned. "Selfish?" he asked as she regained some composure.

"How did you think it was going to go," she asked bluntly.

"What are you..." but she wouldn't hear him.

"I was scared and I jumped to conclusions and I am always going to be sorry about that," she continued, her words strained, "But for you to just turn around and try something like that... for you to even think that it would be an acceptable option. It is cruel and you know it."

'No,' was all Logan could thinking, repeatedly and painfully, 'how could I have possibly made this?'

He tried to speak again, choking "I didn't mean-" but Veronica wasn't done.

"Who do you think would have been the one to tell me?" cried Veronica, beginning to sound more somber, as she back away a bit from him unable to look at him as she spoke out, "Maybe Weevil would've been the one knocking on my door that night. Letting me know you jumped. Or even better I could have woken up to some whacky radio hosts reciting your father's arrest followed by some off-putting comment about you killing yourself."

"Veronica..." the hurt was not just clear in his cracked voice, but his watery eyes. This was the last thing he ever wanted.

"And let's not forget that last conversation..." this was the part that lingered in her nightmares Veronica, "you know where I accused you of killing Lilly and you called me a heartless bitch."

"Do you think it would linger," her heartbroken expression matching his as she chocked out the question.

"Veronica, I..." he wanted to find the right thing to say, but she was determined to get everything out.

"You make it impossible," though her voice was raised for a moment it was clear that the blonde felt defeated, "Impossible to forget. Impossible to care."

"God," she finally admitted, "Do you know how much I wish I could stop caring?"

"I'm..." the voice in his head was crying out, 'why can't I for once find the right things to say?' All he was able to do was look at her through teary eyes as he tried, "I didn't think..."

"Of course you didn't think," she cut it, "you never think, you just do and push and keep pushing."

'Wrong again,' he thought heartbrokenly as Veronica continued to confess everything that has haunted her about caring for him these last few months. "Don't you get it. As if your war with the PHers wasn't bad enough you just had to keep pushing your luck."

"Between the adultery and your arrests and now that gu..gun, I don't know how much more I can take, Logan," she needed him to answer, "How much more do you think you'll be able to push before your luck finally runs out?"

"I don't know..." he yells back, but this time he doesn't just look up at her. He stands so he can be in front of her again, placing his hands on her face so he could make sure he was looking at him. In a hushed voice, he says, "honestly I don't know anything."

"The only certainty I have had for a very long time now is that you are what matters most to me," he finally admitted looking her in the eye so there was no question about what he meant. And Logan's honesty resulted in Veronica to release the breathe she had been holding since this afternoon.

Logan wrapped his arms around Veronica so he could finally hold her and try to give the comfort he wanted to all day. Despite herself, she accepted the embrace and held him back.

"The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, Veronica," he told her softly, "I am truly sorry."

He kissed her forehead in the intimate way he had longed to for so long but knew he couldn't. "I wish I knew the right thing to say. The right thing to do... I wish I could go back and make everything okay. That I could be the one who gave you 'normal.'"

Veronica scoffed into his chest, saying, "normal's overrated."

They lingered like that for a long time, just standing in the middle of his room, holding each other. Every part of Logan longed wanted to tell her, 'I love you,' aloud but he knew that if he did that, this moment would pass, awkwardly, and reality would take over. So instead he kept his feelings to himself and accept this moment for what it was; more than he deserved but less than he wanted.

Suddenly there was a knock on his bedroom door. "Hey. Is Veronica in there?" it was Duncan, "Her bag's here but I don't see her."

"Yeah," Logan answered back, still holding Veronica, though she began to loosen away from me a bit, "she needed to use the bathroom."

"Okay, well I'm ordering Chinese if you want anything," Duncan inquired.

"I'm good," answered Logan, waiting for his roommate to step away.

Logan looked down into Veronica's bright blue eyes, wiping at a few stray tears and whispered, "You going to be okay?" as he reluctantly let her go.

"I don't know," Veronica admitted as she left his room, leaving him alone once more.


End file.
